Non-Happy Endings

God is the dragon we each strive to slay.

Easy enough for you to say. I, however, choose to believe.

Then you even more so than others.

Listen to you. When are you ever called on to counsel or comfort anyone? It’s easy for you to be caviler.

But you can’t deny that meaning and purpose are entirely subjective, illusory even, and tend to vanish whenever we look too closely.

That’s always been your problem. You’ve always been too self-absorbed. Spend some time around those in grief and pain and you’ll discover the value of purpose, the meaning of God.

And that’s your problem. Always calling on some unknowable something, claiming that holds the answer for everything. What’s worse convincing all those poor saps listening to you that that something cares, when there’s no evidence of it at all.

I pray for you, you know.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Are you still there?

I’m here.

It’s so dark. I can’t see anything.

I’m not going anywhere.

I’ve found if I squeeze my eyes shut tight I can make myself see flashes of light or at least what I think I remember as light.

It will be okay. Just don’t let the fear get the better of you.

And why is it so silent?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do you remember that girl who lived in the corner row house at the end of the block back when we were kids?

Yes, I remember her.

What was her name?

Carina

That’s right. Whatever happened to her?

She married a guy from over in Pennsport. They’re living there now. They just had their new baby christened two months ago.

That’s nice. I guess.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Does it bother you?

Does what bother me?

That you can’t see anything, that it’s so dark?

Of course it bothers me, but there’s more to rely on than just seeing. Give me your hand. You feel that? There’s a wall here. You can use this as a reference.

Thanks. That helps. Much better than standing in empty space. So the dragon, you never did tell me what you think about God being the dragon.

Yes, I did.

No, you didn’t. You just dismissed it. I’m serious.

Are you now? Are you serious?

I am. You have God, this fierce violent mythos, that swoops down on us seeking to overwhelm and devour us. What better metaphor than a dragon?

Where do I even start? I don’t think this is as much about God as it is about you.

You’re dodging the question.

I don’t think so.

You are.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Have you been down by the deli to see Paulie lately?

It’s been several weeks. Lent and all. And his attendance hasn’t been close to regular in quite some time.

Well, can you really blame him?

I’ve never denied that pain is real; that loss is real. You know that. I do say that we can’t let our circumstances, we can’t allow ourselves to compromise our faith. I’ve told Paulie that.

I can imagine his reaction.

I’m sure to you Paulie’s situation is just another of your philosophical games.

That’s not fair, and you know it. At least I’m taking his pain seriously.

Are you? And what great words of comfort have you been able to bestow on him?

Has it ever occurred to you that there’s comfort in calling reality what it is? Total shit that no one deserves.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Over there. Do you see light over there?

No, but then I can’t actually see where you’re pointing now, can I?

Here, put your hand on my arm. Over there.

No, nothing. What you’re seeing is most likely an illusion.

An illusion. That’s funny you know. You saying I’m experiencing illusions.

You always did have a well-developed sense of the ironic.

I’m telling you there’s light over there. Well, I thought there was light over there. There’s eventually going to have to be light somewhere. It can’t stay dark like this forever.

You sound nervous.

Of course I’m fucking nervous.

Calm down. Calm down. It’s going to be okay.

How can you say that? How can you pretend you’re not afraid?

I’m not pretending, and I’m not going to let myself be afraid. I told you not being able to see hasn’t changed anything. So far nothing’s happened to give us any cause for alarm.

Sure, nothing except everything going completely black.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You’re really mad at Paulie, aren’t you?

I’m not mad at Paulie. He has disappointed me.

All he’s going through and he’s disappointed you?

I’m disappointed that he has let it affect his faith the way he has. The Church exists to provide comfort and direction in times just like this. How can he find any of that is he insists on turning his back?

Are you serious? Do you really hear yourself when you say things like that? He’s mad. He’s mad at your God. He’s mad at your Church. Last I talked to him, he’s mad at you. And you know what? I can understand why.

I agree that there is much to be angry about in this world. I feel anger toward death and loss and war and evil. But when you or I let that anger cloud our vision and sour our attitude, we become truly lost. That’s why I’m disappointed with Paulie.

God, you’ve changed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I don’t know if I can stand this much longer. I keep thinking I’m hearing things moving around me, but I can’t see anything.

I’ve told you, there’s no reason to worry. There’s nothing there.

I’m not sure if that makes me feel any better. I’m starting to feel like the entire world’s gone. How do you know if there’s anything still here except you and me?

I don’t, but I’m sure that’s not the case.

But what if it is?

Then I imagine there’s not much either of us could do about it. It’s best not to worry about it. I’m sure things will be set right soon.

I hope so.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When do you think the darkness will go away?

I don’t know.

Can you pray?

I’ll try.